It's amazing how different I am thinking about life and time now than I did five years ago, even two years ago. I am thinking about what kind of home I would like to live in, what kind of schedule is not too much but not too little, what career will really fulfill my needs, all of them.
I miss academia, but i also want to have a retirement account and be able to have savings and help my mother, when if she might need it in the coming years. (academia does not really pay all that much, unless you are a law professor) I have 180k in debt, which strongly suggests I should sit tight where i am with the good pay check, the job security, and the great training. I do enjoy what i do, it simply does not encompass all the things I want -- such as the opportunity to teach and be around young and vibrant minds and heated discussion.
Time, is in some ways normalizing, it grounds perspective more steadily, it slows the urge to react quickly--- time has passed and so much has happened a part of me now seems content with letting go a wee bit of control.
Sometimes i think mid-day, mid-crisis, mid- 15 hour work day-- and wonder is this where i should be? Is this how I should be using my time? And I am not critiquing necessarily my work, but simply wondering is this stress, this pressure, this ever lasting challenge have light at the end of the tunnel? Where does it lead and should i simply sit tight and let go of the wondering "where" it might lead and instead focus on the here and now-- powering through the challenges, savoring the quiet downtime and letting the rest sort it self out.
Am I meant to be a professor? A corporate attorney with a good salary who teaches on the side, but who can also help my mother ten years from now when her retirement savings are just not enough? Will it be something else entirely?
The things I most enjoy about what I do now are the following:
- the pace, i love the fast pace. Its impossible to get bored
- the sophistication of the work and intellectual tasks i am asked to do
- the people i work with, smart fun and trustworthy
- the resume power-- its a good job, marketable, ranked top in the country for what we do
- the paycheck-- pays the bills, pays the loans, and makes things feel doable-I don't have a safety net, so to speak, and it feels good to kind of be my own source of security
- the training-- for labor and employment law (defense side :( ) it cant be beat
The things I don't have/dislike about what I do now:
- I do not feel like I am making the world a better place
- The pressure can be very very wearing, and at times self defeating
- While intellectually simulating, it is not intellectually moving-- I am not inspired, my connection the world around me is not strengthened, but rather worn thin. I miss the classroom, I miss theory, I miss big ideas and ideas that have no easy or disinterested answers. This I miss most.
- I miss teaching and learning in that way. I miss the exchange of ideas, the evolution of dialogue around social issues and the constant incentive to question and learn.
- I miss people who think about making the world a better place and make it their life's purpose to better understand how to get there.
- I miss being pushed to do the same.
