missing those who are absent

Seeing family, spending time in airports, hoping I make my connection... such is the season.

I enjoy the holidays. But it also serves as a time for reflection and a time to miss those whose faces are familiar yet absent.

I have been asked quite a few times if this time is hard. I don't know quite what to say. Yes, i suppose. But not any more or less than your average Tuesday. The difference is the time to reflect and actually think about whose presence is absent around the tree or across the table.

We looked through old pictures and notes of my father's. Letters he left for my mother 30+ years ago. It was the "Good morning beautiful, see you at 5, love Michael" kind of letters. It was touching, but foreign. How long ago was it that I ever saw the more vulnerable part of my father? Did i ever really see that side of him? I don't know. I am glad he had it when he did. I wish i had had the chance to see more of it. I wish he were hear to explain his absence, both this year's and in years prior where even his physical presence left something to be desired, something to miss even mid-conversation, hug or round of golf.

He would be sixty this year. He married my mother when she was my age, 29. Thirty years ago today, my mother and father were in love. My mother thought it would last forever, but it didn't. They divorced when I was 8. Dad died 20 years later.

In the last year, I left the one relationship I thought would last forever.

It was in the midst of the one year anniversary of his death, my graduation from law school which he missed, his birthday and father's day.

I continue to wonder if it was the best decision. I know it wasn't the best execution. I was not happy. The source of the unhappiness was multi-layered and multifaceted. At many times it was impossible to separate the challenges in our relationship with the grief I was processing and an inescapable and unacknowledged urge to escape from it all. Yet the urge, the process of leaving, the pain I left behind-- was muddled and far from thought through. It was impulsive and yet felt necessary. It was simply what I was able to do in the moment. I just wanted a break from it all.

But it was never her fault.

I hate that I hurt someone I care for so much. I hate that I disappointed her so deeply, so significantly.

I wonder if love lasts: Will I disappoint someone else next round? Do couples who have been together for years and years still love one another? Is there still passion? Will I trust anything like that again? Did I ever?

I hope the answers to come are brighter than my suspicions are today. I hope tomorrow and the day after the world feels less disappointing. I hope to forgive myself for my mistakes.

Despite the pessimism I seem to be swimming in right now, I know this will pass and lend itself to something learned, something not to be forgotten, a new day.

I wish my father peace where ever he is. I send my sincerest of apologies to all of those who I have hurt or disappointed. And I hope for a year with a wealth of new perspective, a pinch of forgiveness and a more optimistic outlook on life and love.

Goodnight, sweet dreams and merry Christmas.

I am an attorney. Are you sure?

I am enjoying work, I am.

I am, however, so deeply overwhelmed and frustrated with the project I am working on. This is not because it is inherently problematic. It is because I dont know what I am doing. Learning is like trial by fire. Walk across the hot coals and figure out how the hell to get across with out permanently scaring your feet, but in this case--your own sense of competance and the respective capital and value your coworkers will presume of you moving forward.

Only 70% of the way through a project, I have now learned that there were questions I did not know to ask that I should have asked before I even started the project, and now- I will likely have to go back and redo what I have done.

It doesn't help with the rain outside, the fact that my dog is depressed because I am never home and that I had hoped to spend the weekend preparing for halloween, setting up my apartment and going for a good run.

I will survive this project, hopefully with at least a minimal sense of competance and if I am lucky a positive review of my work come monday morning. Until then, I am spending the weekend in my office.

Wish me luck. Feel free to call and say hello.

Bar Prep and Ranch Life

I graduated May 10th 2008. It was a wonderful weekend. We had a little golf outing in memory of my father entitled "Drinking and Driving" where we hit a few balls at the golf hillandale golf course and drank a mimosa around 10:30am on a sunny Saturday morning.

The weekend could not have been better. So many family members came. Jac was the best hostess/girlfriend I could have asked for.

Next it was over and moving and packing commenced. Nick, my brother helped. We drove up to Philly the following Friday. Saturday i took Jac and Nick to the Frida Kahlo Exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. If you ever have the chance to see her do it. She is one of a kind.

After a few days in Philly I headed west in Salt Lake, saw my brother, mother and other family members. The it was off to Steamboat Springs to stay with my aunt and uncle at their ranch is steamboat springs Colorado. This place is paradise. I love it here. just to see a glimpse: http://www.kurtzranch.com/

It has now been about 3 weeks and all is well. I am studying but still struggling to keep up with all the homework barbri assigns. its going well though. The Bar exam is in about 7 weeks. I am also training with Pete for ranch versatility competition. I don't know how i got roped into it (no pun intended). But its so much fun. I am working with those fast stops western horses do, herding cattle, and a variety of other moves on horseback. Its fantastic and serves as a great break from studying mid-day.

Professor Purdy came up and visited and stayed with us for a weekend. I love that man. He is such a blessing and wonderful human being. You might be tickled to hear I gave him a horseback riding lesson, to which he initially responded "this is a bit of a role reversal" :) lol He did great and the four of us went up the mountain behind our place for a great trail ride.

I forgot how much i love riding and how amazingly grounding it is. My plan now is to work long enough and hard enough to purchase one of these beautiful ranches in the mountains of colorado: practice law part time or teach and run the ranch, hang out with the dogs , ride and just enjoy life. It may take me 15 year to purchase the kind of place i want... but dammit-- I will get there.

hope everyone is enjoying the start of summer and for my duke law buds-- hope studies are going well. Miss you all.

xoxo,
Bieber

Thesis Defense, check. finals....in progress.

I defended my thesis last Thursday. It is on LGBT families use of and treatment under the law. I passed with distinction. Fantastic. I couldn't be more excited or proud of what became a 143 page project with hopes of publication at a later date.

Pinda, poor pinda. She got a uterine infection the day before i defended my thesis. This lead to my taking her to the emergency vet at 12midnight with a 104.8 degree temperature. I was at the vet until 2am. She stayed there with IV fluids/antibiotics. I then got up at 6am, took her to a different vet and then went to defend my thesis at 12noon. Busy 24 hours to say the least.

SHe is now recovering and getting some state of the art treatment at NCSU vet hospital. Everyone there seems to love her, commenting on "what a sweet dog she is." AKA she is a huge flirt and gotta love her for it. Glad her spirits are coming back.

I miss that little trouble maker. I think I will make my way over there to visit her today. I need a little pinda to get me through this ethics cram session.

Ethics Exam monday
Federal courts exam friday
3 papers due the following friday: race and the law, Purdy independent study, and Fisk Same-sex sexual harassment paper.

Then the beach. cant wait.

peace.

Time flies

Time just flies by. The last day of classes is tomorrow. I defend my thesis Thursday and I graduate in about 3 weeks. Then it is so long Duke Law.

I have to admit I am not too excited to leave just yet. I have made some amazing friends. I love being a student and by 3L year you final get the swing of things.

The summer will be filled with Bar exam preparation. I take the Bar in late July for both NJ and PA. August will be spent jumping around from place to place. September will be a road trip with Jac, Pinda and Shelby through the Northwest in an RV. Seriously.

October 6th I start work at Morgan Lewis & Bockius in Philadelphia.

so much to do. so little time.

My mood is somber and downtrodden.

I have a family here. It feels like home and soon i have to say good bye to both. The anniversary of my father's death is next week and graduation is just after that and he won't be here.

I just don't feel ready to leave. I like it here. I've made a home and soon I will be headed out. I just wish time would slow down for a minute.

Engaging the "Other side"

I have recently chimed in to a conservative blog regarding "homosexuality and judicial activism." No doubt my posts meet an audiance who live on the opposite pole of the political spectrum as I. Words and sarcasm have been thrown left and right. Insults, intellectual jabs and factual sparring galour. It's fun. A distraction and perhaps a form of meaningless procrastination.

Or, maybe not.

If one person on this conservative blog who formerly feared/loathed the idea of a "homosexual judge/judicial activist" comes even a step closer to better understanding that the LGBT community is not out to ruin their traditional religious faith and practices, but rather that we can and hopefully will live as one big diverse disagreeing happy family--then my time has not been wasted, not entirely.Political battles are like clicks on steroids. We other the other more and more and end up on opposite ends of the world with regard to perspective, language, and how the issues are shaped for debate. Perhaps if we walk and talk in similar circles more often our language and values won't be so foreign, perhaps at some point more comprehensible and with time reconcilable.

see for your self: http://katysconservativecorner.typepad.com/katy/2008/02/conservative-hu.html

a lost cause? maybe. maybe not.

Saying Goodbye

I miss my father.

Family weekend is coming up, as is the PILF auction. It is always a fabulous event. Everyone is going. Nevertheless, I am headed up to Philly. PILF last year was the last time I saw my father and it was 'family weekend.' I thought it would just be a bit much to be there. So, I am headed to see family up in Philly :)

On the bright side, that evening was by far one of the best evenings I have had with my father. He sponsored the Chemerinsky Dinner and we won! We high fived. It was picturesque. Just after that, he left with Karen, my stepmother and the next morning they flew back to Dallas. Two months later, almost to the day, he died. That evening was the last time I saw him.

Friends framed a picture that was taken of him and me at the auction that night. It sits on my bookshelf, where I can see it before I head to bed and when I get up in morning.

Family weekend/PILF 2007 will continue to be cherished memory.

This is the eulogy I wrote from his memorial service last May...

I happened to inherit my Dad’s handwriting, and as some of you may know its little in cognizable at times, so bear with me as I read my own…

Dad,

I want you to know how many priceless memories I have of the last 27 years and how influential you have been in my life.

Some of my fondest memories with you were when I was young.

I remember watching TV on your lap for Sunday morning football, camping in the airstream in New Mexico and hanging out in your sink while you got ready for work.

And then there are the more recent memories of our great times together…

From your Steaks w/ jalapeños to your fast cars, Porsches and Mercedes you made the holidays and the everyday all the more momentous.

But you also, from a very early on encouraged me to aim high…

So much so that you sent me a Smith College Catalogue when I was ten years old and low and behold I ended up at their rival... seven sisters college, mount Holyoke.

You supported me in my love of ridding horses and bought me my first horse Charlie who I shipped off to college with me. Who knew you could ship a horse you said and laughed.

You also encouraged us to live big and have fun … when we were young you took us to all the greatest sites a kid could appreciate, Disneyland, Disney world, six flags and SeaWorld.

And the movies, we loved to go to the movies together and we always snuck in food most likely our favorite schlozkis.

From the momentous to the everyday, I hope you know that I cherished all those times we had together.

And form work to golf to running you always somehow made it look easy.

I have always admired that about you.

And while I may never quite replicate that level of accomplishment. I will take your dedication and aspiration w/ me always.

I know one thing for sure though…the 7:30pm bedtime and 4am wake up is not in the cards for me.

And even though we didn’t always agree we had great intellectual and political debates on everything from the Duke Lacrosse case to modern psychoanalytic theory.

You supported me in infinite ways to pursue my dreams w/ diligence, passion and hard work.

You were always an example that even the most difficult task can be done if you put your mind and heart to it.

I will forever cherish you as a father, a friend, and a diligent soul.

I will forever be your Emmie, your Goobie, and your little girl.

I love you Dad.

Attitude is Everything

Attitude is everything; it really is.

Positive, confident, assertive. If I approached all of my school work that way......miracles would be not just possible but they would happen all the time. Just kidding.

But seriously. Your attitude is so much of what you bring to your life, your day and your achievements. It makes a world of difference. Of course there are the rough days, the over scheduled weeks and the very over tired mornings. Notwithstanding, you can make or break your day based entirely on how you approach it.

Good energy begets good energy.

Now, if only I could teach my little dog this. All evening she wants to play and she does not want to play by herself. All evening as in until after midnight. I don't blame her; I am pretty boring when I am just reading and studying and typing. That is entirely fair. But whining, geese pup... the whining does not help.

She may need a roommate. I don't think I am as exciting as I use to be for her. She needs a little soccer team of other puppies to play with. Mom is boring; all she does is work.

Finally, she fell asleep, only after I drove the Kroger at 11:30 at night to go and buy more bones and dog toys so she would leave me alone.

At the present moment she is next to my thigh on the comforter, fast asleep and having a little puppy dream. her little legs quiver from time to time and she gives out these little half hearted whimpers. It's the cutest thing. You just have to forgive her for being such a brat earlier.

Guglhopf on a Sunday afternoon

This place is a blizzard of activity. Food being delivered. People waiting for seats, coffee and fluffy croissant in hand. caffeine. Lots of caffeine. Chattering everywhere.

Jac and I are working upstairs in the corner, both doing different work on laptops squeezed on this little tabletop. I just took a break from transcribing some of my interviews for my thesis into mini stories for each interviewee. I just finished one partner and started another---both of whom had had been diagnosed with cancer in the last 2 years and have been co parenting a feisty eight year old. The partner I am halfway through transcribing the interview of passed away almost exactly a month ago, a month and a half after i met with her in Brightleaf Square to interview her about being a mother, a lesbian, and a woman with cancer trying to plan for her daughter if and when she passed away.

It's so heavy and so full. Beautiful and sad. A story of love and loss and turning of events no one ever really expects or plans for.

I have really enjoyed working on this thesis, particularly because of stories like theirs. Today actually, there is a memorial service at a local church for her. A part of me wants to go. The other part is a little weary, not only because the last memorial service i attended was my dad's but also because its just heavy and.... there is so much to do.... and I will likely sink into some kind of sadness or something if i went. It would be cathartic, but it would also be really intense and I don't know if i need intense right now. the jury is still out.

Jac is sitting across from me right now, typing away, focused and just so slightly speaking to herself as she types. She is so cute. Smile. Smart little thing.

We went to a dinner party last night and had a great time. We retired just before 1am and headed to bed. It seems that these days there is so little time and even less energy to be foolish and playful, wasting hours doing not much of anything, giggling, or just talking or even having a wide open weekend to just see what happens. Being here and there and getting sleep and driving hours to see one another, then she has trial, then i have a paper then we are off somewhere else to visit friends or make it to a party. Busy as can be, but happy.

I think both of us would benefit from some boredom but I just don't think that is anywhere in site.

It's good to have her here. It's good to be home and to be with the dogs. Life is good.

The Beginning of the End

We just finished our first week back at school. It's good to be back. I got inspired by my drive down and have invested in a large new filing cabinet. So far so good. Everything isn't in there yet, but I am getting there: to a paper free apartment.

Thesis is going alright, check. Paper for professor Fisk has some improvements, so that is good, check. I was way stressed about that one. Other classes seem to be rolling along. Workouts with the ladies are fab and I hope to add a new person to my list of 'trainees' soon.

Pinda just started agility class Wednesday. I think the class is more about training the owners than the dogs. I suppose with time that will lead us somewhere.

I think of my dad off and on. It's surreal much of the time and the rest it's like the faint pain in the back of your mind that you avoid because there really isn't much you can do about it. It's crazy though, the permanence of it. The lasting absence of death. You just never really fathom it, even after it happens. I still feel just as shocked now, over 8 months later, as some of the people who just found out. Your mind just doesn't really wrap around it. It simply doesn't fit most days. Others, its more real. I avoid those.

Family weekend was the last time I saw him. I remember when he left. We are at the PILF auction. He paid for me to get the Chemerinsky dinner for me and my friends and we won. It was a picturesque moment. One of my more favored memories with him. Minutes later, he left with Karen to the hotel and they flew back to Dallas the next morning. That was in February of 2007. He died in April of 2007.

So family weekend is coming up next month. I have decided, with good reason I think, that I would prefer to be elsewhere that weekend. Richard and I might go up to visit our bud Ryan at his Marine Officer training school somewhere near DC.

The three of us were buds last semester, will be i would imagine for some time. But it really got me through the good and the ugly last semester. And you couldn't find a more odd threesome. Rich the pediatric anaesthesiologist from South Africa, Ryan the Republican Marine, and me, the uber liberal lesbian from Utah. Who would have thought. We get along fabulously and have some of the most interesting debates I have had in the longest time.

Rich and Ryan are a blessing. Looking forward to our next rendezvous.

Must get some sleep.

From Philly to Cameron Stadium

I drove 421 miles today in under seven hours. Philly to Durham with Pinda asleep on my lap just about the whole way. Not bad, I must say.

But more importantly, this was my first cameron experience with the duke blue devils and it was well worth camping out for 36hours without a shower or much sleep. If you have the opportunity to attend a game at cameron, take it and don't ask questions even if you arn't a bball fan. It's just one of those things you have to do, like the bucket list or something.

So this is my blog. We just met, but I think it's gonna work out. Hopefully I can keep in touch with all you friends o'mine across the country who i never call but mean to and miss more than you know.

PS: in true emily bieber fashion i listened to a audio cd on my way down from philly about time management and stress-free productivity. I will let you know if it works.